What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Was it something I said?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.