What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Still cracks me up
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)