What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Tough love is true love
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name