What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Google assistant rules
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
listen closely
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*