What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
You Might Also Like
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Life hack
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.