@daemonic3: What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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@geowizzacist: *Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break* *Takes kid to pub* *Bumps into wife at pub*
@omerwahaj: The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
@juliussharpe: SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there's nothing more exciting than listening to people drive.
@MichaelLarrick: Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They'd be like "did you get my text?" and you could just be like "I can't read."