@jimmytorosian: What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?
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@ShrugLord: It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I'll consider this my workout for the day
@panmidwest: Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
@DirtMcTurd: Ex (trying to make me jealous): I'm going to a party, everyone's drinking, laughing, and having fun! Me: that'll all stop once you show up
@oakhillbargrill: - grabs leash - grabs phone - takes dog out for walk - pulls out phone - checks Twitter - walks dog to South America