What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
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Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Seas the day!!!!
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.