@jimmytorosian: What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?
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@cpsemple: Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
@ThingsJackDigs: “You a cop?” UNDERCOVER COP: No. “So you wouldn't mind if I … threw these donuts away?” UC: *sweats profusely*
@omerwahaj: The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
@Prof_Hinkley: Me: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier Dan from the next cubicle: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier