What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”