What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
You Might Also Like
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.