What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time