What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
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Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”