What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
man i love columbo
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
vegan witches, happy halloween!
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Beware of the “party goblin”…
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
It do be feeling this way.