if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
New mindset, who dis?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
That time Alicia messaged me
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus