@BromanConsul: What idiot called it the Police/Fire Department Headquarters and not GUNS 'N HOSES?
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@FavoritesYou: Why do people say its not you... it's me in a breakup? Yeah it's YOU, you're an idiot! I'm amazing... ask your brother!
@ShortSleeveSuit: Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I'm dying! Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!
@Bluestmoon_: How to make microwave popcorn: 2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped. 2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.
@BoogTweets: Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me "Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"