What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
A drum solo but on your face.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.