@ABurgerADay: What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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@myonlymizztake: Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
@Token_Geezer: Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don't even walk into the right room
@KentWGraham: MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
@Kendragarden: It's important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I'm having popcorn & wine for dinner.