What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.