what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Herpes is trending, good job people
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
This took me a second..
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face