what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave