what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
technically true but not a great slogan
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?