What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
2023 was just a warmup
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”