What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Just this preview of the story is enough
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Who’s your best friend?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes