@jimmytorosian: What idiot called them "cannibals" and not "humanitarians"?
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@Book_Krazy: ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he's dating someone half his age? HUB: Yep. He's livin the dream ME: HUB: His dream not mine
@kelkulus: Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying "Home Alone" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
@LackOfShame: Women, when you say: "We should move into a better house." A man hears: "My plan is to force you to work till the day you die."
@d_duhwit: Elf cop:"We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf! *Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*