What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Thursday
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.