What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.