What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
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Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?