What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*