Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I think they could have phrased this better
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.