My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My kitchen overserved me.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.