Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
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Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually