*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
tourist season
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
These are too funny not to post 😂
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon