What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times