What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
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I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Noah was an idiot.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs