What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Breaking news:
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.