Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
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“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.