It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.