What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
my favorite genre of twitter
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.