What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time