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@inthefade: what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
@ItsLaTourette: It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
@marcusparkersol: Using the toilet on the airplane means I'm certified to teach yoga now.
@Aspersioncast: Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
@Reverend_Scott: [1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU'RE THE JANITOR
@FilthyRichmond: People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don't worry about it!