what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
💻🤡
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Great acting.. 😂
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife