Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Perfect
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.