Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
This is what makes twitter great
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer