damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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cyclists
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.