what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
The government even made aliens boring
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
This took me a second..
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down