Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Seems a bit forward
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)