So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.