WWE is French for “yes”
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Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.