What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
You Might Also Like
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
worst…sale…ever
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”