What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
You Might Also Like
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.