@yassinovic89: What if Aliens don't want to visit us because they're all women and they want us to make the first move.
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@rob5373: I choked on a carrot earlier and all I could think of is that a donut wouldn't have done that to me.
@david8hughes: Interviewer: says here you have a military background Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@Fred_Delicious: [Girl takes off her clothes] "You have had sex before right?" [Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower] ... "no actually"
@ashmensch: It's the remix to ignition, I'm a terrible magician, I cut your grandma in half, And now my rabbit is missing.