What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo