What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Always…
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.