What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.