what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
the clam before the storm
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
“i am a sweet baby”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!